Beautiful Heartache

     When Mark was first diagnosed, on February 17, 2010 life changed really quickly for us.  We were overwhelmed.  I didn't discuss all the details with very many people.  I did open up a very vulnerable on-going email conversation with our friend Beck Berrett.  I've re-read that thread on occasion, and it has helped me to better understand this process.

     The other reason that email thread became important to me was that I used my own words to help me write a song.  Great artistry comes from deep, raw emotion.  I hoped to capture and to save our experience.  Here are the lyrics;

Beautiful Heartache

"We're hanging in there,"
I tell them when they ask
but we're facing fears too often and too fast.
I find myself in new territory
a place much bigger than me.
In all this uncertainty
I ache for normal
I ache to know
everything will be OK
I'll be OK.
Free-flowing tears
mercy reappears
beautiful heartache, beautiful heartache
I feel nothing else
I release myself
to beautiful heartache, beautiful heartache, beautiful heartache
A thousand miracles I see them everywhere
a thousand hearts united in prayer
We know we trust eachother
with our whole lives
I'll always be at your side.
In all this uncertainty
I ache for normal
I ache to know
everything will be OK,
we'll be OK.
Free-flowing tears
mercy reappears
beautiful heartache, beautiful heartache
I feel nothing else
I release myself
to beautiful heartache, beautiful heartache, beautiful heartache.
The air is charged with expectation
the rain lets go
the sun rays flow
I'm looking for the answers and the rainbow.

I've performed this song at the house concert we host in October.  One day I hope to record it.  I'm not a great singer, guitar player, or songwriter, but I love doing all three.  I definately treasure this song.

I've even caught Mark singing it to himself. 

     I still ache for normal, and wish I knew how everything was somehow going to be OK.  I'm an organizer and a planner, so uncertainty really sucks for me.  We continue to be asked to take steps into the unknown.  We make plans, we cancel plans, we wonder how far in the future we can consider plans...