Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

      There's nothing like a girl's night. The kids had the day off of school, so some of us gathered our daughters, some snacks, got into our pjs and watched chick flicks, did henna tattoos and glitter toes.  Oh yeh! 

             We introduced our daughters to styles and music of the 80s with this classic.

      Even Amari wanted in on the day of beauty and fun!  Never too young for a girl's night!

      This room smelled like polish, remover and henna, we were a little light-headed!

                                                           The Girls, love you all!!

                                      The tweens; Hannah, Janessa, Alec and Ammoriah

                                                      The teens; Aubrielle and Shonee

                                            The moms; Nikki, me, Jenny, Nancy and Karen

We're hanging in there....

     I have to say that.  It's my standard answer when people ask me how we're doing.  We keep on keeping on.  It's not all good, but it's not all bad either.  Today is the third anniversary of Mark's cancer diagnosis.  It took months to figure out what was wrong.  Nothing prepares you for that thought in your head, so just sitting there with the doctor laying out all the options and scenarios on that day I remember just swimming with the thought that; 'my husband has cancer and life as we know it will never be the same'.  Our daughter Amari was with us in that meeting and she was only 1 at the time, I took a picture of her sitting with Mark.  That day seems so long ago now. 
     The update on Mark is that he is in a lot of pain.  He has a newer pain in his hips, we speculate it is due to the position he rests in, possibly pinching a nerve or something.  On some nights sleep is hard because of the pain.  Walking is difficult.  Stairs are very difficult.  He gets a fever now and again.  Still, we are able to keep up with work, the kids activities, spending some quality time with friends and family, a few dates together, and Mark spoke in Willard today.  Here are some pics of this week;

Ava after her school party



Aubrie making valentine's




Riah and her friends at jr high dance



MC Sophmore team



Greg and Mark at Andrew's game




Janessa and Amari at MC

Lunch at Paco's with great friends

 

Grandma and Amari on Valentine's



Dinner with great friends



  


I decorated the kid's door's



Me and Karen and Andrew's game




American Idol



Andrew and Hannah going to MC Sweetheart's Dance

corsage for Andrew's date





Mark's Lecture on Core Fears part 2

     There are three rules of war against our core fears; 1. Know your enemy  2. Practice early  3. Attack wisely.  The devil is a genius, he knows your core fears better than you do and he uses it to play upon your fears, exposing them and hopefully getting you to create a fear reaction.  In many ways we get our butts kicked in this arena.  We need maturity, self-awareness, and more skill over our core fears and defenses.  If we can train our personalities to become healthier, this psychic war within each of us, the ultimate battle of good and evil can be won.  The very path to wisdom is to prioritize the study of our core fears.  Last week we listed the 10 core fears, and how to determine which one is the one you must do battle with. 
     Whatever we are afraid of, we tend to run the opposite way.  When something stands out about our personality, we should ask ourselves what is motivating me to run the other way?  If I'm a very passive, submissive person, I am likely afraid of aggression or abandonment.  If I'm a born leader, taking charge of every situation, I'm likely afraid of losing control.  In physics we learn that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  Mark's Pendulum Theory can be mapped out in four stages; 1. Injury (we feel upset or hurt because something is causing a fear reaction), 2. Defense (we run or hide in the opposite trait to avoid the discomfort). 3. Burnout (we become exhausted from swinging between feeling hurt and avoiding the discomfort, we cannot keep this up because our fears are always exposed and we are not able to fix it with our defenses any longer.  People tend to seek counseling when they are in this stage.)  4. Settle (the swinging between the extremes has moderated with the acceptance that the fears are supposed to be there, a little fear is good and can teach me to grow.)  The natural state is moderation. 
     Our fight or flight reaction to our fears makes it worse.  If we hide, like an ostrich with it's head in the sand it doesn't go away. If we fight it's like fighting in quicksand, which only makes you sink more quickly.  How do we practice beating fear?  Fear is body tension, so practice teaching your body to relax.  We need meditation, muscle control, slow our heart rate, and breathing.  Our body is within our control.  The fastest way to become confident in our battle against fears, is to become a master of our own comfort. 
     Fear is an unhealthy energy.  It can cause us physical discomfort and defensive thinking.  We can get to a point that our body has muscle amnesia, a chronic tension that we grow accostomed to, forgetting what true peace feels like. 
     Detatchment is key.  Fears are caused when we are afraid of losing something we think we need.  We get attatched to things of this world, but most of this we don't take with us.  It's been said that the core of all fears is believing we need to live.  We cling desperately to things that help us survive.  What if we moderately detatched from that belief?  We willing to die, to let go, trust that things will work out for our good. We waste energy hiding from death.  We can pray and meditate, practicing being attached from needing to save our own lives.  In the scriptures it is taught that if we try and save our own life we will lose it, but being willing to die we will have true life with peace flowing through us, and seeing each experience as an interesting gift.
      It's also been said that if you love someone, let them free.  What if we moderately detached from the belief that we need a certain person in our lives.  Loving them enough to let them go, makes us more secure and comfortable and often times more desireable to the one we love. 

     Some folks, with a casual, laid back lifestyle have stated, "it's all good", and it's true!  Everything in this world is for our education and growth.  Our enemy is a great teacher.  A moderate amount of fear is a great thing, it keeps us alert, alive and with energy flowing through us.  We shouldn't try to alleviate all of our fear, if we are perfectionistic at eliminating our fears we will make it worse.  It is then, a fear of fear.  Accept that some fear is a part of life, and it is good.
     To attack our fears wisely, in this war inside of us, we can begin by building our own confidence by winning one small battle then building up.  Visualize a small fear, then relax and meditate through it, imagining the fear having no power over you.  Gradually work up to bigger fears and mentally practice relaxing through it, until you can do this with your core fear.  Do this before practicing in the real world.  Fear is a confidence issue, you need to believe you can beat this.  Your mind is incredibly deep, explore it, tame it, it is your diving inheritance.
     We are the parent to our own feelings, like our inner child we are in charge of protecting and challenging them.  We need comfort, it is like air.  We can get comfort from self-mastery or we can depend upon something outside of you such as alcohol, sex or food.  We must learn to comfort ourselves well so we don't become addicted to other things that cause other problems.  If we are facing a small fear, encourage ourselves to move forward and calm ourselves through it.  If we are facing a large fear, comfort and heal before moving forward.   The medium fears are where we grow and thrive.  Proceed and face the challenge by using consistent, moderate pressure  and accept the fear.  Sometimes it may require us to toughen up, shout the war cry and jump in!  Don't think, just do it, there are times when we can't trust our own thoughts because there is too much fear there. 
     A few stories to help us in this mighty battle; in the movie The Princess Bride, the hero must battle against the most intelligent man in a battle of wits.  The hero puts poison in one of two glasses of wine, and the intelligent man must choose which glass to drink first.  When the intelligent man is the one who dies of the poison, the princess wants to know how the hero outsmarted the other man.  The hero said, "I couldn't outwit him.  I put poison in both glasses.  I've spent years taking a little poison to build an immunity to it."  This is like our core fears, if we cannot beat them, we must spend a little time facing them and accepting them, so we too can become immune to them.
     There is a story in japanese religion of men who train in martial arts to enter a cave and defeat a mighty dragon.  At the entrance of the cave is a sign from the masters stating to "Abandon all hope", (this is a fight you cannot win).

     The warrior had to choose, would he run away, causing himself shame from hiding from the battle (a flight response), gear up and face the mighty dragon knowing they will not win (fight response) or, surrender, bowing before the dragon to accept their fate.  When the warrior accepted his fate, the dragon disappeared to a mist. 
     Credit goes to all who get in the arena and keep working to accept our core fears.  Remember that the fears are our teachers.  What do they teach us??  Abandonment teaches us to enjoy our own company.  Failure teaches us humility.  Rejection or criticism teaches us to validate ourselves.  Guilt teaches us compassion and mercy for others.  No control teaches us to trust.  The unknown, ambiguity, teaches us also to trust.  Being vulnerable teaches us to put down our defenses.  Unfairness teaches us patience.  No resources teaches us to detach from worldly things.  Dying teaches us to appreciate our lives.

Taking time to celebrate Valentine's

Mark and I have a tradition that instead of exchanging gifts, we do a super-date for Valentine's, our birthdays, our anniversary and Christmastime. We were able to get away last night with a little help from Grandma who stayed with our children. First on the agenda was dinner at our favorite restaurant Elements.

Then we checked into the Anniversary Inn.

This place is amazing, there are over 30 different themed rooms, the one we had was a drive-in movie. We had a huge movie screen, bucket of popcorn, sodas on ice, along with a big red truck with a very comfy bed in the back.

In each room there is a journal, so that couples can write about thier stay. I kept a copy of what I wrote; "My husband has terminal cancer and only has months to live. We've had an incredible 21 years together full of adventures. We've cruised the caribbean, hiked Yosemite, enjoyed the view of Niagra Falls, and soaked in the sun in Hawai'i. Still, our several adventures at the Anniversary Inn are just as *magical*! Thank you for helping us to continue to create memories. We've had deep talks, lots of laughs and extraordinary love here. ~M & L

Mark's Lecture on Core Fears

Every Tuesday night, Mark, (who is a doctor of psychology, lectures to his clients. It is a self-mastery course, 16 different topics in all. For years he taught these lectures to the inmates at the jails, I am not sure just how long he has been giving them but it's been more than 10 years now. The topic last night was the first of two parts on core fears. I promised some of our friends to share notes on the class. I hope to give at least an idea of how interesting and useful this knowledge is for each of us. Each of us has core fears, we need to spend some time in meditation and self-analysis to determine what our core fear is. We need to be a hero in our own lives and face the fears within us, being vulnerable and willing to admit when we are wrong. We need to take this battle seriously. What is at stake? Our personal happiness in this life, how much happiness we can gain in the eternities, and our society needs all of us to get some discipline on this issue!!

One of the oldest stories told is about the hero that seeks the treasure. He must conquer some type of advesary, deep within a mysterious cave and claim the gold as his own. The gold we seek is happiness, peace, wisdom, confidence and comfort, and each of us must go deep within the cave, kill the monster and claim our treasure. If we open the door to ourselves wide; our hearts, our minds, and drinking in our five senses, we can fill our soul. Because we are bombarded with stimulation in our everyday lives, our fears close the valves of awareness including soothing and comforting things. Fears cause us to be close-minded, frustrated, avoid people, and hide from God and spirituality. The consequences of hiding are losing relationships, spirituality, health and freedom. It will rob us from our joy! Most of our fears are then exposed and triggered by anxiety. We seek to avoid the anxiety and discomfort so we move away from the fear (ie; the lion is on your right so you move to your left). We are also motivated to move toward comfort, which also encourages us to avoid our fear. Well, what about this? The main point of life is NOT to avoid all pain and discomfort! Society tells us, "Nobody should suffer", we should throw money, medication and services at anyone or anything that experiences any type of suffering. Avoiding our core fears will actually cause them to happen. This is due to several theories. One theory is the Law of Attraction. Energy will follow what you focus your mind on. If you are worried and anxious over an issue, you will draw similar energy into your path and we will manifest proof of our beliefs. Another theory is Mark's own theory called the Pendulum Theory. When you are afraid of one side you run to the other side. Our own defensive behaviors can actually cause the fear reaction. In Polarization Theory when we behave in an extreme behavior we can cause those around us to act out our defense. Example; A core fear of abandonment might cause someone to be very needy and clingy to thier partner, over time that person feels smoothered and needs more space and in some ways abandons the one with that fear. Alright, are you still reading this? You are invested in growth then, cool beans! Your core fear is a ticking time bomb, make no mistake it WILL go off if you don't diffuse it. How do you diffuse your core fear? First, Know what you are fighting...know your enemy, WHAT IS YOUR CORE FEAR? After 1000s of patients to practice on, Mark came up with the 10 most common core fears, the fears that we must do battle with continually, but it's a battle we can win. 1. Abandonment 2. Failure 3. Rejection/Criticism 4. Guilt 5. No control 6. Ambiguity/the unknown 7. Feeling unsafe or vulnerable 8. Unfairness 9. Lack of resources 10. Death. Which one is the one you need to focus on? Meditate on each of the fears and rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 how much it bothers or upsets you. We all have some fears about these issues but you should see one or two of these as the highest rated. Another way to find someone's core fear is to observe your behaviors. We often run away from our fears, so whatever personality trait stands out about us we are likely afraid of the opposite. Example; someone who does extreme sports is likely afraid of death wanting to milk all they can out of each moment in life. The second way to diffuse the ticking time bomb is to stay moderate. Stay in the middle ground being willing to accept that all these fears are a part of life. They are like the yucky vegetables we have to eat when we're a kid. Just eat the vegetables! Next week Mark will go into how to fight the noble battle against our core fears. We have three choices when up against fears; fight, flight, (these two choices will cause the fear to play out), or accept the fear. Anyone that attended class please elaborate from your notes, or share your insights!

Heaven on Earth

Logan Temple

Elder Kirk Bass, Mark and Elder Clint McCormick. Below Sherri and I join our husbands in the shot. The Bass family live in Tennessee, and the McCormick's live in Willard, UT.

This was an incredible weekend. It was healing for me in so many ways. We enjoyed dinner with the fremilies on Friday night and laughed while watching Hotel Transylvania (so funny). On Saturday morning we attended the temple with some great friends. We ran into our aunt and uncle and enjoyed saying hello and giving hugs. In the celestial room I was cuddling with Mark and it really felt like heaven on earth in that moment. I felt nothing but peace, I had no fears, no worries, only total and complete faith in this path we are on. I know, without a doubt, that we are loved and blessed no matter what happens to us. We enjoyed lunch at Elements restaurant and shared wonderful stories and deep thoughts. I appreciate the insight these friends gave us as well as the amazing love and support. Sunday morning there was an energy in our home similar to a christmas morning. Mark was beaming and all the kids were sweetly getting ready for church. Today was an incredibly special day for our family. Today Mark was able to meet with the two missionaries that baptized him back in 1990 in Santa Rosa, California. We attended fast and testimony meeting together and when Mark stood up to walk to the stand with Elder Bass, and Elder McCormick at his sides I got goosebumps. They each shared testimony of the story of Mark's conversion, the truthfulness of the Gospel and our Savior's love for us all. I bawled the entire time, but I wasn't the only one! There was such a sweet spirit in the room, that again, it felt like a moment of heaven on earth. This was a powerful moment in Mark's life, to publicly thank these two for bringing him the gospel, he openly wept and stated it is the most precious gift in his life. There is much more, but I feel that it is so sacred that I will keep it at that. Our families joined together at our home for lunch and much more sharing. I can't thank these men enough for how they have affected my life. I love them and thier families and will always appreciate them. God is so good! His love is so complete and His plan for us is merciful! Of course there is much ugliness and unfairness in this world, but there is tender mercy, love, hope, and peace. No matter what I face in the months to come I will always praise His holy name.