Once Upon a Time...

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Once Upon a Time.... On this very week, 21 years ago, I stepped out of an LDS building on the corner of 22nd and Lawton in San Francisco, CA. A very handsome guy was helping a homeless woman into a car of a friend, and he hugged her goodbye. He turned around and approached me on the front steps with a huge smile and introduced himself. That is how Mark and I met. I was taken right away, I was impressed by everything about him, in the following days I learned more and was very interested in him as a person, as a friend, and well... I asked him out. This is a picture of us lovebirds back in 1992. Honestly, if I knew what lay ahead of us, I wouldn't change a thing. What an adventure we've had!!!! Most of it incredibly awesome, and some of it very challenging. In our cancer journey we've spent 3 years in the battle now, a total of 11 weeks of radiation, 20 consecutive rounds of chemotherapy, dozens of CT scans, 3 surgeries, and far too many days and nights in the hospitals. Dr. Gouw referred to Mark's battle as, "a heroic amount of treatment". We met with our doctor and treatment team yesterday. We received bad news. The ifosfomide isn't working. We will take a two week break and then begin another med, not chemo, in an attempt to slow the growth of the tumors. Mark posted this on his facebook wall last night, "BAD HEALTH NEWS: Despite numberous efforts at chemotherapy, my tumors continue to grow, making my death seem inevitable. The silver lining is that the chemotherapy seems to have greatly slowed the growth of the tumors -- they were super-fast growing at first, and I should have only had a few months to live. Instead, I've had three great years filled with love thanks to you. This is likely my last year of life, but I'll still keep trying to slow the process and hope for a miracle."

THAT kind of Love

Oh boy, things have been tough lately. I'm finally back to a place of focusing on what's right in my life instead of what I perceive is wrong. Mark is doing a little better. His energy has been way low, and so have his hemoglobin and white blood cell counts. We haven't chosen to have a blood transfusion, yet, so that's good. The kids and I are taking turns being sick, and we have to keep the sickness away from Mark. Not easy. I've been evaluating our family schedule and have made some big changes lately. It feels sad and good at the same time. I've done some soul-searching while shoveling snow and I am feeling better. Mark and I are in love. I know everyone already knows that, but I don't mean residual love, we aren't just going through the motions after a hopeful commitment to eachother made long ago. I mean that we continually dig deep and re-discover the person we married. It isn't always positive either...we have had to look at the unpleasant and figure it out. Time reveals that some issues just aren't what we thought they were, and some are able to be overcome. What good news! We don't always agree, we've hurt one another's feelings and we even bug eachother at times, but it is a beautiful miracle to me that we are where we are....in love! I've received many complements about our marriage over the years. Sometimes we deserve them and sometimes we don't. We can do better. Funny tho, many people have told me that I'm "lucky" because my situation was "meant to be." I can honestly say that I disagree. An awesome marriage isn't by luck. Two people screen eachother, then commit to eachother then work hard every day, whether it's easy or it's hard to love the other person. Now, this is the key element, are you ready? We should love Heavenly Father more than we love our spouse, and we should love our spouse more than we love ourselves. If we can focus on those as our priority, the rest should fall into place. We forget sometimes because our human nature tells us otherwise. I honestly believe that any couple that have chosen to marry can have THAT kind of love. It's a matter of a deep level of love, not luck or destiny. There will be times of doubt, distance and discouragements but we can work through them. The rewards are HUGE! I don't mean to ramble, but I've had an emotionally challenging week, and looking at our pictures and remembering our love and affection over the years has brought me healing. I love healing. I love LOVE!

And the pendulum swings...

When I first heard this quote I thought, "Wow, how negative!" How could someone go through life not having great expectations that tomorrow will be better, that sacrifice is worth it, it'll all turn out in the end. Lately I've felt some of the reality of this quote. It is quite possible that I need to stop making expectations to alleviate any resentments. Well, I'm usually quite optimistic, but today, the pendulum will swing to the negative. I'm going to explore my dark side, I'd pop your balloon, pee in your cheerios, and burst that happy bubble. There it goes, POP! Truth is, all fairy tales don't end with a cruise to the caribbean, a cure, a lover's passionate kiss, a remarkable twist of fate, a happily-ever-after. Mine will be an "ever-after". Now, I'm just having a moment here, so don't go telling me all the wonderful quotes about happiness that I already believe. There is truth on BOTH sides. Today it sucks. I'll probably have a lot of days that suck, and that's OK. Shoot, I could blast Alanis Morisette right now, but I'll be OK again. I've been told I don't have a 'dark side', or at the very least, my dark side has a light bright. But I know heartache, and it isn't always beautiful. Some of it is the ugliest stuff I've ever faced.

The Caribbean Sun is calling

Three years ago, immediately after Mark's initial cancer diagnosis, we went on a cruise. We flew to Puerto Rico and then cruised to six other gorgeous islands. We had life-changing adventures every day! We went with six of our friends; Beck Berrett, Keith & Brenda McBride, Tina & Howard Jensen, and Chey Martineau. This weekend we had the opportunity to get together for lunch at Elements. We aren't able to get together very often since Beck lives in New York and up until recently, Chey lived in Orange County. It was so nice having a long lunch, reliving memories and catching up. There was as much laughing as thier was talking. The picture on top is us at lunch last Saturday, the picture below is us in Puerto Rico at our favorite hotel (ha ha). We dreamt of our next cruise, and God-willing, it will be sooner rather than later. I feel so blessed by good friends and grand adventures. The sun, white sand, and colorful fish are calling, and I long to answer the call!!!!!

Chemo Round 20

     Today Mark began his 20th round of chemo.  He began chemo treatment in September 2011, it's hard to imagine just how much poison we've pumped into his body in an effort to slow down the growth and spread of his cancer. 

We've had a wonderful holiday season, filled with love, kindness, friends & family, music, food, parties, holiday movies, treats, and all kinds of fun.  We've also been dealing with a challenging round 19, with Mark in so much pain at times and very few options for relieving the pain.  His leg is giving him more trouble now, and the doctor today wasn't helpful.  Even if they knew what was causing the more intense pain, "we probably couldn't do anything about it."   This may be where we are at now.  Amari has been really sick this week as well.  She was up through the night with fever and cough and just wants me to hold her.  A few of us have had some cold/flu symptoms and we are trying to keep this away from Mark, whose immune system is terrible right now.

     For Christmas Mark gave me something he's been working on for months.  It is his autobiography and his funeral documents.  I know it was a heartfelt gift but it's taking me several days of serious saddness to process.  In fact, I'm still pretty overwhelmed by it.  He also completed something that has been on my mind for a very long time.   I purchased milestone cards for each of our children, and he has finally created a file with a personal message to each of our children for thier birthdays, high school graduation, mission, college, marriage, becoming parents and more. How many of you have thought about what you'd say to your children in your absence?  It's a humbling and powerful process.  It took Mark a long time to do this project and I felt a huge sense of relief when he completed it.  I felt a sense of him being there with us during those times, and it made me very, very happy. 

     I know this is a much more serious post than usual, but these thoughts are always with me.  We honestly don't know how much more time we have, but there is a strong feeling that we just celebrated our last Christmas and New Year's together.  This is why taking down the decorations today was more somber for me than usual. 

Welcome to 2013

       We gathered at Tex & Carrie's house this year and had so much fun ringing in the New Year with so many good friends!!  We ate wonderful foods, played silly games, lit fireworks and sky lanterns making wishes for the new year.  Mark gave the toast to sparkling cider, reminding us all to continue to make memories and live extraordinary lives.  A perfect night!

    

      Keep your hands to yourself, can't trust these guys to sit still long enough for a picture!!  Mark, Marc, Todd and Tex.

                                                         Nikki, Laurie, Carrie and me.

                                            Mark and I playing games with the lively group!

                             Group adults pic, wait.... are we being silly, or serious, or what??

                                                      Warming up for the midnight kiss. 

                         Adult group pic of pre-midnight kissing... be careful who you sit by at midnight!