Chemo Round 20

     Today Mark began his 20th round of chemo.  He began chemo treatment in September 2011, it's hard to imagine just how much poison we've pumped into his body in an effort to slow down the growth and spread of his cancer. 

We've had a wonderful holiday season, filled with love, kindness, friends & family, music, food, parties, holiday movies, treats, and all kinds of fun.  We've also been dealing with a challenging round 19, with Mark in so much pain at times and very few options for relieving the pain.  His leg is giving him more trouble now, and the doctor today wasn't helpful.  Even if they knew what was causing the more intense pain, "we probably couldn't do anything about it."   This may be where we are at now.  Amari has been really sick this week as well.  She was up through the night with fever and cough and just wants me to hold her.  A few of us have had some cold/flu symptoms and we are trying to keep this away from Mark, whose immune system is terrible right now.

     For Christmas Mark gave me something he's been working on for months.  It is his autobiography and his funeral documents.  I know it was a heartfelt gift but it's taking me several days of serious saddness to process.  In fact, I'm still pretty overwhelmed by it.  He also completed something that has been on my mind for a very long time.   I purchased milestone cards for each of our children, and he has finally created a file with a personal message to each of our children for thier birthdays, high school graduation, mission, college, marriage, becoming parents and more. How many of you have thought about what you'd say to your children in your absence?  It's a humbling and powerful process.  It took Mark a long time to do this project and I felt a huge sense of relief when he completed it.  I felt a sense of him being there with us during those times, and it made me very, very happy. 

     I know this is a much more serious post than usual, but these thoughts are always with me.  We honestly don't know how much more time we have, but there is a strong feeling that we just celebrated our last Christmas and New Year's together.  This is why taking down the decorations today was more somber for me than usual.