Adjusting to Change

     In one year, Mark has gone from his regular look (thick brown hair and full beard and mustache), to his chemo look (zero hair) to his new Sean Connery/young Santa look (thin, soft white hair and full white beard and mustache).

     His hair is growing back because he stopped chemo treatments 8 weeks ago.  It feels like he's aged a few decades within 12 months.  He is a handsome man at any age!
    Some people don't like change, I guess in a lot of ways we don't either.  We have learned to adjust to a great deal of change whether we like it or not.  Someone told me, "I couldn't live like you, I have to be able to control things".  I don't get to control how things go, only my reaction to what happens.  The sooner we accepted that, the better we were at handling all of this. 

     Speaking for just myself, I'm at a place of total and complete vulnerability.  I feel like our family is in a car barreling toward a cliff.   I'm looking this in the eye, I'm processing and protecting all that I can.  And I'm surrending.  My heart has been broken for years now, it continues to contract and inflict pain to my core. I see my husband suffer and want to serve us longer. I see each of my children struggling. 

     This Wednesday is a CT scan.  I have mixed feelings about it.  We haven't had much contact with the Huntsman since we quit chemo on Jan 21st.  Who knows what we will find.  Mark is always in pain, has been for years, around 4 or 5 on the pain scale. There are moments here and there (throughout these 3 years) when pain goes up to 8 or 9.  This happened a few times these past two weeks. He doesn't let anyone see that side but me.  He will tell you he is fine.  He will go on as though we have time and energy to make plans.  It is becoming painful for me to plan much more than a week or two in advance.  I'm hoping Mark will be here to baptize Ava on May 4.  I'm hoping to celebrate his birthday with friends and family on May 25.  I don't have the luxury of knowing he will be here.   Every single day is both a struggle and a blessing in our home.  If I'm being completely honest,  I don't know how much more I can take.