If our personal energy is like a fire, then combining our love with others..like combining logs onto one fire, creates a big bonfire of shared energy!! It's possible that we are only using a portion of the potential of the power of shared love.
How do we share energy/love? We can do this by sharing talents and knowledge, sharing resources in a way that effects one another. Our economy is build on this system, we trade resources (money for goods and services) and share our talents, if we didn't we would have to do everything on our own. Our system is a loving system; I help you and you help me.
Love is the ultimate perspective on why we exist. Our highest purpose is to generate love. We can radiate and contribute energy everywhere we go.
Relationships are important because they expose our insecurities. They expose the fears and defenses that we use to protect ourselves. Love is a risky, vulnerable thing but that is where the growth happens. Many couples will divorce as a way to avoid the vulnerability that happens exposing thier defenses, but this pattern can be overcome and will create a deeper level of awareness and closeness.
Couples should not divorce unless each member has faced thier insecurities on the issues. If they have not, they aren't prepared to make the decision. Insecurities that are exposed within relationships must be addressed, not avoided. There are really two paths in life; serve yourself or serve others. In order to have a successful relationship you must be on a path of serving others.
In a way, Disney has done us a great disservice teaching our young that love is happily-ever-after. That is only part of the picture. The reality is that deep, loving relationships are a messy buisness. It is hard work, yet it is worth it. Time is a process that can refine love. Time gradually takes away youth and beauty, the newness and excitement of young romance, yet a real love continues to grow. It takes a lifetime to learn, grow and deepen love.
The Four Secrets to Great Intimacy
1. Comfort Comfortable people are predictible and stable, able to build deep trust. If you are uncomfortable, you are not entirely stable and it is unreliable what you will do in any given situation.
2. Be willing to be Vulnerable It's against our nature to let down our defenses and let others in. Visualize this process, being willing to be hurt, see how deeply you can be vulnerable with someone. Love takes risks, be willing to go there.
3. Growth Letting new energy flow through you and the relationship. You're both excited about the relationship. These steps overlap one another; be comfortable in order to be vulnerable, which allows you to grow together. Growth is powerful, if fuels the human soul! It has been said that depression is no more than a lack of growth. Growth is a flow of energy. Tell your spouse, "Lets grow together", it doesn't really matter how, study something, take a class, read a book, learn a new hobby...dating one another is an opportunity for growth. If this process is awkward and difficult for you, utilize a counselor or coach to guide you through it.
4. Visualize Energy Energy follows your mind. Pay attention to those you love, look at them fondly. Adore them. When you hug them imagine that you are surrounding them with energy. Love-making is a perfect opportunity to practice visualizing adoration energy toward your spouse. Energy flows through you. Remember the bonfire that you are generating by combining your love/energy. This takes practice but it is really powerful.
The Simple 3 Step Method to Conflict Solving
1. Prioritize Comfort If you can't get comfortable in the situation, wait to discuss it. Sleep on it if needed (the phrase, 'don't go to bed angry' is not always a good suggestion, pushing through an arguement when you're both tired, overwhelmed and uncomfortable will likely make things worse). Negotiate a time when it is good to talk, schedule it if you need to.
2. Split the Blame (Own yours First) We all have a lot of weaknesses, we're human! We're all a little bit guilty for the good we could've done, so just assume that you contributed a part of the blame. You don't need to split hairs just trust that you deserve a portion of the blame. "I'm not perfect, I can see that I probably contributed in some way". You do not accept more than a part of the blame, even if the other person cannot own thier portion! (An even deeper perspective on this split-the-blame-idea, is that one third of the situation is noone's fault! Factors contribute to the situation that are circumstantial. So, in any argument you really only have to be willing to own a third of the blame- now it doesn't sound so scary does it???) Arguements are usually because we are afraid someone is goint to state that they are superior to you, you suck...and so, we become defensive. Steps 1 and 2 are really all about teaching the other person that we are not a jerk, that we are not superior to them.
3. Meet in the Middle Here's where all your practice on compromising comes into play. If you want both parties to feel validated, respected and valued (and you do) be willing to meet in the middle. If you accept more than your part of the blame, you're a doormat. ("You're right, it's all my fault...") If you accept less than half you're being difficult, ("I had nothing to do with that, it's not my problem"). Being moderately assertive yet moderately humble creates the best working situation for you and your spouse, (or anyone, or any group that you have a conflict with).
When couples go to see Dr. Kailing, he won't do marriage therapy with them unless both parties understand and agree to these three steps. If they aren't willing to do this, they will not progress. They are likely in a system where only one of the members of the marriage is getting thier needs met. This imbalance (most likely) cannot be sustained without building up resentments.
When we are in a conflict, in the heat of the moment our instincts are usually WRONG, it's our human nature to use our fears and defenses to get out of those situations.
If life meets you half way, it's done you a great favor. You've gotten some of what you want, and it's provided an opportunity for you to grow.
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