Well done good and faithful servant...

Mark Francis Kailing returned to his Heavenly home on May 21.  Mark is the youngest child born to Rebecca Reynolds Silverberg (San Francisco, CA), and Gene Kailing ( step-mom Susan, Beckwourth, CA).  Mark was born and raised in beautiful San Francisco, CA and the surrounding area.  He was very close in age with his only siblings, his sisters; Rachel Strom (Pacifica, CA) and Ariel Wundes  (brother-in-law, John, Hayward, CA). 

     Mark found the gospel of Jesus Christ at age 23 and it forever changed his life.   He was sealed to his love, LaDena in the Logan, LDS Temple on August 13, 1992.  Together they created an exciting life.   They welcomed five children into their forever family; Andrew Solomon (16), Aubrielle ShaLina (15), Ammoriah Rachelle (12),  Ava Olea (8), and Amari Shinehah (4).  

      Mark was never discouraged when life became challenging.  Even when he faced the hardship of cancer for 3 ½ years he would say, “God deserves the benefit of the doubt.”  Mark served in many callings in the church and was able to love and influence many people in congregations in San Francisco, Fresno, Modesto, Winnemucca, Logan and Providence.  He shared with us recently; “I have experienced the choicest blessings because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I will die a very happy man.”

     Mark loved being in the water.  Nature always has a way of inspiring and healing one’s soul and he took every opportunity to swim, hike, camp, and other outdoor adventures.   Mark loved to seek beauty in the world in appreciating; sunsets, waterfalls, wildlife, a full moon, lightning storm,  and his favorite thing of all, scuba-diving.  Mark shared many of these experiences with his large circle of friends. 

     Mark graduated as a doctor from California School of Professional Psychology, in Fresno, CA, in June of 1996.  Mark began his professional career testing and counseling at a high school in Fresno, then a rural clinic in Corcoran, CA.  He did his residency placement at Fresno City Community College and his post-doctoral internship in Modesto at a psychiatric hospital.  He joined a group practice; Evergreen Family Institute in Logan, UT.  With a growing family he decided to take a psychologist position at Winnemucca  Mental Health in Nevada.  Eventually he opened a private practice in both Winnemucca, and Logan and has been working both locations for many years.  Even through cancer treatments, Mark never quit working.  He always loved to teach.  During his education a professor taught him, “You don’t really understand something until you can explain it simply.” This led Mark to develop very simplified theories on life, personality, the universe, truth, etc. His ability to make the profound simple is what has made him a good teacher.  Dr. Kailing touched the lives of hundreds in his years of service as a psychologist.  He loved seeing the growth and improvement in the lives of others. 

     Mark is survived by his wife, children, parents, siblings, in-laws, nieces and nephews, and countless more family and friends.  He is preceded in death by his grandparents, step-father, and several friends. 

    Funeral services for Mark will be held on Friday, May 24^th in the LDS Stake Center located at 485 West 225 South, Providence UT.   Visitation will be from  10:00 to 11:30 and the funeral services will begin at 12:00. Final resting place will be at the Providence Cemetery.  Funeral under the direction of Serenicare Funeral Home of Providence.

Love One Another

Today Mark is resting.  We're expecting his sisters to be here in a few hours.  He doesn't talk very much.  He has a lot of issues to manage.  He keeps his eyes closed most of the time. 

 

A lot of you have been asking me "What can I do for you?", and now I have an answer.  Me, Andrew, Aubrielle, Ammoriah, Ava and Amari are hurting right now, but we know we're not the only ones.  Many of you are really sad.  I want to ask you all to help each other through this.  I won't be able to return a lot of messages.  I will get them, but I won't respond to them all...there are a zillion of them :)

 

Love each other.  Just help each other as you can.  Everyone grieves differently, and that's cool. You guys need comfort that I'm not able to give right now. 

 

We have the most amazing friends and family ever.  We love you all so very much.  Thank you for all you've done, and will do, to bless us.  You are treasured.

 

I took some pictures of blossoms today on my drive home from work.  They are so beautiful and I wanted to share them with you. 

 

 

The Rose Game

     When I took Mark a plastic urinal the other day, I gave it to him with a red, silk rose. 
He laughed.  We have a long history of surprising each other with a red, silk rose as a way to say, "I'm thinking of you, I love you."  

      Usually, the gesture is simple, we hide it on the pillow, on the computer, on the steering wheel, in the shower, etc.  Over the years there have been some more creative moves.  We shared our tradition with our friends and now when we go on couples dates, you can assume there will be a surprise somewhere!  We had a waiter put red, silk roses on the dessert plates prior to bringing them to our table.  We decorated a Christmas tree with ornaments using red, silk roses before we sat down to dinner beside it (the guys didn't notice even when we commented about the tree).  There were surprises while we snorkeled in the Caribbean, and while playing water volleyball at Downatta.  We like to have fun with it.

     Today there is a red, silk rose above Mark's hospital bed so that when he sees it, he knows that I'm thinking of him, and that I love him.  He is resting a lot, and even typing up psychological evaluations when he can.  He is pretty amazing. 

Faith and Love

     I know, more than I know anything, that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true.  I believe in the Plan of Happiness, that our family is eternal.  I don't want Mark to die, but I trust the Lord.

Doctors told us today that we may only have days left.  Mark is losing too much blood everyday.  All of Mark's family is gathering here.  Hospice has set up a hospital bed and daily care. 

I love Mark and I love God, I don't know how everything will work out but I know that the plan for us includes LOVE.

A Big, Happy Day for the Kailing Family

 Ava is baptized by Daddy, who had to be in a wheelchair and barely enough energy, but it happened.  It was spiritually powerful.  We are so thankful to all of our friends and family that were able to come and celebrate with us.

Swimming Upstream

     Have you ever watched a fish swim upstream?  I did when I was in Canada and it is truly inspirational.  These fish are so tenacious.  We watched as we stood on a bridge over a very intense spot on the river, it would seem impossible that the fish could make it.  They would thrash up and out of the water and then the force of the water would cause them to slap into the rocks along  the side of this narrow spot, and then...they would do it again.  Tourists like us would cheer them on with each attempt. It is inspirational to us because we know that we tend to give up much easier when the forces of nature work against our path. 

     I know that there is a lot of intense energy working against my desired path in life right now.  I know that my family has worked hard to continue to swim upstream during this trial.  I know that we are sore, tired, frustrated and at times, ready to stop "swimming". 

     Lately I've been thinking about many of our close friends.  I know a lot of their stories.  I want to let each of you know you much you impress me.  Your tenacity, your ability to swim upstream in the hardships of your life give me so much inspiration right now.  Not only have you had to fight against some serious issues, but you've done so without bitterness, even looking for the blessings in the trial.  Thank you for showing me the way.  Thank you for being the fish that keeps swimming no matter how many times it gets held back or beat down.

     To give you an update on Mark;  since the drainage port has been put in place we've had a few new issues to deal with.  It wasn't the fix we thought it would be, it helps but it isn't great.  We've had some more rough nights.  These past few days have been doable with the help of Cameron, Beck, my Mom and dinners from awesome sisters in our ward.  Thank you. 

     I can't promise we can do this much longer, but for now we "keep swimming". 

Four Hospital Trips in one Week

We ran to the Huntsman last Tuesday, again last Friday, we spent Sunday night in Logan ER then returned to the Huntsman today.  There has been over 8 liters of fluid drained from the lining around his right lung.  Today they surgically placed a drainage port under his right arm.  The procedure was tricky and it took a lot out of him.  He is in a lot of pain and is very weak. 

While killing time Mark and I played hangman.  Here is one of our games.  Of course we started singing the song in Louis Armstrong voice and that got me laughing, and unfortunately when Mark laughs he has painful coughing fits, so I stopped.

Thanks again to all who have helped with childcare, errands, meals etc.  We have a lot of company coming in this week for Ava's baptism.  I'm thankful for all that are helping me prepare for that special day. 

Lately when I pray, I don't know what to pray for except peace.  Peace for all of us.

 

A Day of Rest

"Come unto me all ye who are weary, and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."  Matt  11:28 (look, my name is in this scripture!)

We need rest today.  Mark was good, relatively speaking, for the 24 hours after the drainage of his right lung.  We had dinner at the Keens, and I stayed home Saturday and worked in the garden with Mark sitting in a chair near me.  I want to thank Beck for running Aubrie to her dance competition, helping me in the garden, and taking Amari and Ava to a birthday party.  I also want to thank my mom for taking the little girls in the morning. Thank you to Suzy for bringing Aubrie back from Tremonton.  Thanks to Karen for a big hug and big chocolate supply.  Thanks to the ward for doing the awesome mini-missions that Andrew, Aubrielle and Ammoriah got to attend.  They had a blast "serving" in Italy, Washington D.C. and Holland.  They had great stories to share with us.

By Saturday night things changed quickly.  Mark was leaned forward in his chair trying to get more oxygen,  he wasn't talking so I knew he was hurting.  We sat together for awhile then he asked for Gatorade, so I jumped in the car and grabbed some in my pjs and flip flops.    I asked him if he wanted to go to the ER or try to make it until Monday and go to the Huntsman, he said neither.  He doesn't really want me around when he is like this, but he needs me.  I can't really talk to him, I can't hug him, kiss him, hold him or tell him how I'm feeling.  I sit 'alone' in the dark wondering if I'm doing all I can and how to best love him and serve him.  I go to bed late at night with a cry-headache.  Needless to say, I have terrible dreams. 

This morning he was doing a little better.  He got a bath and that seemed to help.  We both rested and kept the kids mellow and happy.  This afternoon he surprised me by stating he wanted to teach his class.  I immediately thought "no way!" but realized that this is so important to him that he had prayed for strength to do it in our family prayer.  I knew not to argue with his decision and said that I would go with him and make sure he was alright. I helped him get dressed for church.  He slowly buttoned up his white shirt and adjusted his tie.  He looked me in the eye and said, "I love wearing the uniform for the army of God.  To be called to serve Him and teach His message." That is so Mark.  Of course, that made me cry.  He was exhausted just going up the stairs into the church.  He meditated right up until he gave the lesson, which was "Are you prepared to meet God?"  I brought a pack of tissues, because this was not going to be easy to discuss right now (for me).  It was beautiful.  Most of the lesson was a discussion of how to balance complacency and zeal in the gospel. 

Now we are resting.  Tonight we may go to the ER and tomorrow we may go to the Huntsman.  Right now we are just resting.  It is good. 

It's OK not to be OK

Last night (Thurs night) was a tough night.  Mark had some interesting dreams that could be interpreted as "life flashing before your eyes", he woke up very disoriented.  I got the girls up early, ready for school, loaded up in the van, packed overnight bags...just in case, and got Mark into the van.  He was winded and hurting from just the few feet from the living room to the van. :(

We dropped the girls off in Hyrum with my mom to take to school, and to keep Amari for the day.  We drove to the Huntsman again.  Mark cannot talk when he is like this and so I listened to music and sang along but I swear every song was about someone in love who has to let go.  Ugh. 

When we were there on Tuesday, they took 2 liters of fluid from his right lung and said it was unsafe to take more.  We were told it may return but it could be months or at the very worst, a week, before it got that bad again.  I don't know why his condition deteriorated so quickly.  In only 2 1/2 days an ultrasound confirmed his lung area was full of fluid.  They drained over 3 liters today, and I don't know why it was safe to take that much today when it wasn't on Tuesday.  They don't even have Tuesday's test results back yet. 

Like I always do, I ask a lot of questions, so does Mark.  The answer is usually "it depends", because Mark's cancer is so rare...who knows? 

So many of you have reached out to us to serve us.  I've been saying no to meals, but decided recently that it really is super-helpful, so for now I'll say yes.  Nikki and Todd Oswald brought us dinners, so have Carrie Keen, and Helen Lundahl.  Tonight Cindy Maughan brought us so many ready-to-eat meals, and groceries for anything the kids might want.  She shared love and knowledge, and even put lotion on Mark's feet.   Beck has come up for a few days to help out where she can.  She loved on the kids and stayed with us.  That's good medicine.   Mark was actually feeling like getting out, so we surprisingly made it to the American Idol party.  It was pure heaven to enjoy our good friends, our bacon-themed dinner (excellent!), some good love and laughter!!  Britney Tyger gave Mark a  foot rub for better circulation.  The men (Todd, Mike and Tex) all helped Mark get to the car when his pain meds were running out and it was time to get home.  It was really nice to laugh again.

So what's next?
Mark rests and heals up and stays as busy as he can without taxing his energy.  If his lung fills again, we'll head back to the hospital.  Next Wednesday there will be a permanent draining port placed under the skin under his right arm pit.  We will be able to drain the fluid as  needed.  The sad part about this is that Mark is instructed not to go swimming with this port.  He swims for comfort and rehabilitation.  This is really a tough thing to ask of him. 

I want to sincerely thank you all for your continued love and support.  You don't have to post comments for us to feel that love.  We know.  It is what makes us able to keep going.  I mean that.  We love and thank you.

To love deeply...

We've said our goodbyes just in case.  We've had to, several times.  It sucks.  There have been times I've felt like Mark has had one foot in each world.  It is surreal.  Last night Mark and I sat in our living room with only the light of the fireplace, and the moon.  We had one of our powerful talks.  Although we are home, and Mark is better in some ways, he is worsening in other ways.  We took inventory of all of the pains that don't subside, there are about 12 issues.  My sarcoma sisters (my close friends Holly and Stephanie who lost their precious husbands to sarcoma cancer) say that pleural effusion is par for the course.  This is what I found in my hours and hours of research;


 Pleural effusions from a malignancy for which there is no effective treatment portends a poor prognosis. Median survival for patients with an effusion due to metastatic cancer averages 3 months. Drainage alone improves comfort, but does not affect survival.

In our talk last night we discussed the value and the mercy of having this time together.  Even the practice in letting go has served a purpose of exercising faith and experiencing comfort beyond my strength (a beautiful gift!).  He counseled me in my grief, that sadness is a good thing and a part of acceptance.  I expressed to him that I don't believe I'll ever really accept the loss, but learn to live with it, which isn't the same thing.  From what I'm hearing from several friends who have lost spouses (I'm surprised how many friends I have that experienced this, I am humbled by your examples) I will always have a part of me that grieves; can get angry about it, fearful, and profoundly sad and there is no end.  I feel that deep within me.  To love as deeply as I love Mark will obviously affect me when I ache for that part of me to be filled by his energy. 

Our plan for now is for Mark to rest up, do some computer work from home and we'll return to Huntsman next week to drain the fluid again.  He isn't doing as well as I thought he would after having so much fluid removed.  One day at a time, we'll keep on keeping on.

On our way to the Huntsman I heard a favorite song of mine by Nichole Nordeman, she sang, "Thank you Jesus, even when the pieces of my life are broken and small, dreams shattered, and scattered like the wind....thank you even then".  I do feel this way.  We turn our lives over to our Lord and trust in his plan and his love.

 

Our 4th Spring at the Huntsman

This morning  as I drove Mark to an unscheduled trip to the Huntsman I realized this is our fourth springtime coming here.  I saw the familiar big field of daffodils as I exited off 400 South.  The trees are covered with dark pink, pale pink and white blossoms.  The tulips are in bloom along every street.  I also realized a guy in roller skates could maneuver down town SLC just as quickly as I could in my van. I think I see these details to prevent myself from focusing on the task at hand.

So here is the update on Mark's health.  Forgive us for not posting sooner, we had our reasons.  It's been a week now that Mark has suffered more pain in his lungs, greater fatigue and difficulty sleeping.  He went to Nevada anyway for a two day work trip, and his schedule was packed.  When he arrived home late Friday night and I saw his condition I was truly worried.  He couldn't breathe.  He ran a slight fever.  His cough was constant, and talking made it worse.  He couldn't lay down and needed to sleep upright in a chair.  This situation worsened over the next few days, a humidifier helped but a hot bath made it worse.  Our friends Johnnie and Ron came over to give him a blessing.  Our friends Todd and Nikki brought us dinner.  They can all attest to his extremely poor condition.  We assumed it was pneumonia.  All signs indicated so.

Mark did not want to go to the Logan ER.  We knew that in his high risk condition they would admit him and he absolutely did not want to stay there.  By Tuesday we both decided he needed to go to the Huntsman and run the tests and see if there was anything to be done to help.  Our nurse Katie took care of everything before we arrived today.  It's after 5pm and we've been in the acute care center all day running tests.  The doctor there asked many questions and correctly diagnosed the problem before testing confirmed it. It isn't pneumonia.  It's a Pleural Effusion of the right lung.  Mark had almost 3 liters of fluid in the lining around his right lung, compressing it to the point that there was almost no air circulation on that side.  They are now running tests and will do a follow up xray prior to letting us go home.

You've heard the phrase "sick with worry", well I consider myself a faithful, hopeful person but it doesn't change the fact that I worry about Mark.  I worry about his comfort, if his needs are met (immediate and the future that he won't be present for), I worry about the kids reactions and needs, I worry that I will never be ready to let him go, I worry about the conversations I must have with all those who love him, I worry that I'm not worrying enough!  Ugh.  I'm typing this from the underground parking garage because I needed a moment alone to process all of this.  I'm still not okay.  I haven't slept well in days (of course, neither has Mark).  I am so thankful for the emails, texts and all the prayers that have been offered in our behalf.  It makes a huge difference.   We love you all.  We are grateful that we don't endure this alone.  We appreciate the kindness and service you've shown to Mark, me, and each of our children.  Thank You.

Preparing for Baptism Day

Ava Olea Kailing

Happy Birthday to our Ava!

     This is a perfect birthday weekend for Ava, first baby animal days and now a big party at FunPark!  She had the best time!!  Ava is our little "surprise package" child.  We were in the final stages of adopting a little girl when we learned I was pregnant.....very pregnant. (We did not cancel the adoption, but months later the adoption fell through).   After spending over 5 years and lots of money on infertility treatment, I learned it would be highly unlikely for me to conceive with or without medical help.  Imagine our surprise when the ultrasound confirmed I was 6 months pregnant.  Ava has kept us guessing ever since.
     Ava has never followed traditional paths.  She is a trailblazer.  She dances to the beat of her own drum, in her own band, with her own audience.  She's such a funny, interesting, adorable daughter.

Kissing the birthday girl's cheek (tradition)

Amari and Emery play the duck game

Ava picked out her cake, it was yummy!

All the little girls! Ella, Emery, Ava, Amari, Bethani, and Arianna

Fruit Ninja was a favorite game

Sisters Ammoriah and Aubrielle with friend Ashley counting tokens

Mark and Andrew



Little Girl party fun!  We used the tissue in the gift bags to make hair bows :)

Which prize to choose??

Ava kills it at air hockey

The girls at the Soft Play area, laughing a lot!

Baby Animal Days at Jensen Farm

Baby animal days is a big deal to our little girls!  Ava looks forward to this like nothing else!  With the rain this morning, we didn't have to wait in any lines, and that was perfect.  Sorry I didn't catch a picture of the baby bears.  Most of them were asleep, but there was one brown bear, that was so full of mischief, he was super cute.  We enjoyed watching him chase and catch his trainer.  This was a great day!

Ava on pony ride



goats

Holding the ducks



baby ducklings

Riding the train



face painting a chick on her cheek

Amari is a puppy

Amari rides a pony named Loredo, but she called it Burrito

Ava is in love with this bunny



Can we keep him Mommy?  Please??????

Aubrie had a baby chick that was so chirpy!



This is the closest I've ever been to an owl, so beautiful!

A white peacock!  Gorgeous!