Best Laid Plans

I like this quote, but there's always hope.  There must be...

     The last 36 hours have been a little bit of a Twighlight Zone episode.  Good News/Bad News/No News and No Control.  We were supposed to start chemo yesterday, and then be sent home to complete the infusion with Home Health.  It took awhile to get this organized, so we stayed in a gorgeous, quiet, large hospital suite.   At first the nurses and assistants came in regularly to ask questions, check vitals, discuss like they usually do.  Then no one talked to us for a long time.  We couldn't get a straight answer, will there be a blood transfusion?  Will Mark be well enough to start chemo infusion?  Is the fever something we need to fix in the hospital or can't we just watch it at home?  Is there any reason to keep Mark in the hospital if we're not doing blood transfusion or chemo infusion?  Why can't anyone tell us when we'll know something?  It was weird how quiet our day was.  We needed to make plans regarding our children and my work (I needed to teach a class tonight) and I didn't know if we were going home today or not.  We didn't know when we would know.  We didn't know who was waiting for what to ask them about it.  We didn't know and no one else seemed to know.  We were frustrated.

     At 6 p.m. we pushed the nurse call button and said we just wanted to know what the decision was.  The intern came in and said, very casually, "You want to go home?  Sure, I'll set up the paperwork."  We had been asking about going home since 9 a.m. to everyone who came in, even housekeeping and room service (OK, not really), but lots and lots of staff.  Then, just like that we're clear to go?  So, we came home. 

     The plan is for Mark to rest up and start chemo on Monday, and tonight unfortunately his fever is back.  It's not high enough to run to the ER (yup, they instructed us to go straight to the ER if it gets above 100.5 F) but it's not good news.  I'll be checking his fever regularly throughout the night.

     I've been thinking a lot about the "Scooby Doo" guy we met yesterday.  I even found his Grim Reaper prank as a video on youtube.  He is a neat guy, on the back of his t-shirt it read, "Uncurable but Undefeated!"  I love it.  I said this on facebook, but when I talked about there being more than one way to kill a dragon, the dragon is not cancer.  The dragon is the fear of death.  Everyone has some of that.  Where does it come from?  Are we afraid of leaving loved ones behind?  Are we afraid of unfulfilled experiences?  Are we afraid of not mending relationships, or overcoming our weaknesses?  Are we afraid of how unfair it is?  We don't talk about death much in our culture.  Over these past 3 years Mark and I talk about death a lot. 

     The "Scooby Doo" guy told me another story that has stuck with me.  He was speaking openly with his 8-year-old son when the child asked if his dad was going to die.  He assured his son that he wouldn't be dying anytime soon, but that sometime the cancer would kill him.  The child thought this over and said, "Dad, you know what you're really bad at? You're really bad at beating cancer!"  This thought made me laugh and cry at the same time.

I found "Scooby Doo guy" on facebook and he had this pic, I love this guy!!

     I do love the quote on this post.  I just really believe there is always hope.  Whatever we are going through, whatever tears at our hearts and rearranges our lives does so providing a way for future growth.  I must believe it.