We might go home today, but Mark has gone downhill. We'll know in a few hours weather he is able to make the trip home.
I'm slowly loading up the van, hoping to go home. I want to SO BAD!!! I play this little game on the elevators. I bet Holly and Stephanie can relate to this;
The elevator game goes like this; this building is six stories tall. There are 4 elevators, and once you push an up or down button there is 1-2 minutes to wait before you get a response light from one of the four elevators. This is how pathetic my life is right now, that I take great pleasure in guessing which of the four elevators will be mine.
I miss our children. I had a dream last night that I had lost Amari in Walmart and couldn't find her anywhere. The people that worked in Walmart seemed bugged when I asked for thier help. This frustrating dream seemed to go on and on, and I never found her. Ugh.
It's hard to parent over the phone. I've got a great support system, but this has been the longest hospital stay we've had yet. I don't want to be here. I don't want to make small talk with all the nurses, assistants, room service people and strangers in the elevators. I don't want to keep re-arranging my work schedule. I'm just venting, I know, because it is a joke to think that I have control over my life.
I appreciate the kind words and pep talks. I'll be OK. The kids will be OK. Mark, well, he's not OK, nor is he supposed to be. This is why I'm venting. I'm not OK, that he's not OK. This is not just a matter of perspective, applying faith, or accepting reality. This just is.
I know it's not healing or comforting words, but from someone who has been part of some pretty intense "life just is" moments, I want you to know that "this just is" sucks!!
ReplyDeleteLa Dena, I only know the pain of what you are going through from the perspective of a best friend, not a mate, but my heart is right there with you. I know you will find the strength you need to endure this extremely difficult time and to be there for your husband. You are truly an inspiration in love and graciousness. Love, Danielle
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty. That is one of best things about you. You say it how it is. I'll be ok the kids will be ok I'm not ok that he's not ok. Brutal truth. It doesnt' change how positive you are or the great person that you are it is just an honest fact you are not ok because he is not. To say you felt any other way would be a lie. He is your partner, lover, friend and the person you want to be with forever. Thanks for sharing all your joy and your pain. I love you both. I wish like everyone else who loves and cares about you that i could help in some way to make Mark better. All i can do is pray and hope, hope hope....
ReplyDeleteNot everyones life challenges them to navagate rough waters. Your family has been dealing with a storm very few have been able to handle with the heart that I see shine in yours. I see first hand the sincere love and appreciation that you have (both Mark and yourself) for your family. There is a light in your home that is both enduring and supportive of every member of your loving family. The thing about storms is that there is always breaks in the pattern, and sometimes rainbows happen when we really dont expect them to. I pray for many rainbows to come your way in these current days. Both the single, double, and ABSOLUTELY AWESOME kind. Your family needs these and deserves these to bring strength and courage when the storms just seem to be to powerful for you to handle. But you also have another edge in this fight, your faith. It's okay to cry, the release helps our heart open up some room for the smiles and laughter to come in. Precious thoughts of your children, your friends, your time spent together, and the powerful love you have, will be the key to your smiles and comfort. God bless your family, thank you for all the inspiration you are to me and many many others.
ReplyDeleteHahaha, I don't even dare to guess how many times I rode those elevators. I can smell that place, just from seeing the pictures!!!
ReplyDeleteOh my, I totally played the elevator game too! Jackson was on the fourth floor of the hospital and those dang elevators do NOT move fast enough so you have to do something while waiting. And I kinda know what you mean about being sick of making small talk with nurses. After awhile its the same conversation over and over and over... I am sorry you are going through this. I found solace in support groups at the hospital. I could laugh and cry along with them when nobody else understood.
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